big pot of soup

i made a huge pot of what seems to be a cross between chicken tortilla soup and gumbo tonight. i need a good name for it. i guess i'll write the recipe down, though there wasn't really one.

1 lb. chicken
3 links of mexican chorizo
1 small onion
2 carrots
1 large stalk of celery
2 cloves minced garlic
1 jalapeno (ribs and seeds removed - optional)
1-2 chilis in adobo
1 can of diced tomatoes (i used fire roasted)
2 cans of navy beans (or any other white bean)
2 cans of black beans (i used some i made a while back, but probably about 2 cans worth)
3-6 cups of chicken broth (depending how stew like vs. how soup like you want the finished
product)
1 t dried oregano
1 T mexican chili powder
1/2 T sweet smoked paprika
1 t cumin
1 t coriander
a few dashes of hot sauce

cook off the chicken and the chorizo. to make this a one pot meal, i boiled the chicken in the dutch oven. removed it and wiped it out. added the sausages with about 1/2 c of water, covered them and let them cook for about 10 min. uncovered and let the water cook off and the sausages brown (about another 5 minutes or so). meanwhile dice onion, carrots, celery and jalapeno fairly small and uniform. dice chili in adobo. drain tomatoes. drain beans and rinse well. remove sausages. drain most all fat out of pot. add 1/2 T olive oil & 1 T vegetable oil to pot and return to heat. throw in carrots, celery, onion and jalapeno. salt well. cook until starting to soften and onion translucent. add in tomatoes and cook about 5 minutes longer. add beans and broth. stir in meats. add in all seasonings. set on medium low and let simmer for 30 min. or so to blend flavors. serve either with crunched up tortilla chips or homemade tortilla strips.

tortilla strips
4-5 corn tortillas
cut into thin strips
fry in 2-3 inches of oil or a deep fryer for 2-3 minutes
drain and salt

cinnamon toast

is the perfect snack/dinner. i hadn't made it in years and i don't know why i don't make it every night. it reminds me of being little and happy. except for the one time i tried to make it for my dad and went through about 8 slices of bread before finally not burning it.

i keep sitting at the computer but not writing. i'm so envious of those who have started blogs and somehow managed to make some sort of livelihood out of their ramblings. could there be a more perfect job?

i want a perfect job.

grilling

i don't know why we can't seem to get the stupid grill to work, but it failed us again and i am ready to chuck it off of the deck. despite that, we had a really good weekend. friday night andrew and i sat up talking and having drinks really late. we managed to get up and out of the house by 2 the saturday. soccer taco then liz and i went to the grocery then steaks and drinks on the deck which andrew got so nice and clean in a very short amount of time. today has been a total waste, but sometimes i really love days of absolutely nothing. i do have a little over one month before heading to jax, so i would like to get on a good health kick and surprise mom and dad with some weight loss and extra energy. i think we can do it. i just really need to plan out some different goals to incorporate into my days each week. so here goes to begin tomorrow...

1. stop drinking cokes. just stop. none. make some iced tea. make some sugar free kool-aid. it doesn't matter how bad i want one - DO NOT DRINK. it's not as though they are going to stop making them while i'm taking a break. just drink something else.
2. get my butt to the gym AT LEAST 4 days this week. preferably 6, but i'll be happy with 4. and really good gym workout. not just barely going on the elliptical. mix it up and add in some weights.
3. do a free weight routine here. 2 sets of 12 exercises for arms and back. some squats and some ab work. do this at least three days. do on tues, thurs and sun. in addition to weight lifting at the gym.
4. do the yoga and pilates tapes. alternate through the week beginning on tuesday. who cares if andrew sees me doing them. just do them. i'm so unflexible i can barely paint my toenails. gross.
5. vitamins every single day. all the supplements. take at the right times with a big glass of water.
6. good long shower every night. exfoliate. skincare and teeth. feet and nails. flossing and whitening strips.
7. really healthy foods this week. super healthy. no french fries. no sub sandwiches. no crap. oatmeal for breakfast. fruits and veggies. lean cuisine for lunch. lots of water all day.
8. walk around the track at work one time on my lunch break. or on a 15 minute break. but do it at least once a day. it doesn't have to be fast, but i have to make one complete circle.
9. sleep. hopefully the working out will make me sleepy. start weaning off the nyquil. take the natural sleep aid as needed. get in bed by 11. read or daily show, but be in bed and ready to relax.
10. get up with enough time to make it to work on time. should be no problem since the showering is supposed to be going on at night and i'm going to bed earlier and weaning off the nyquil. just be up by 7:30.

that's good for this week. i need to picture myself in a cute dress on my birthday. if i can do these things from now until my birthday, i think i can reward myself with a few cute dresses. i just can't imagine how good it will feel to lose some of this weight and get in better shape. i have to keep envisioning the cute green dress. shopping in the regular sizes. being able to wear tank tops in the summer. not feeling like i have to wear a cardigan over everything (like that hides anything at all anyway).
starting 10 march 2009. 38 days until florida. 56 days until 30. i so want to be happy on my 30th birthday. i want pictures with people. i want to dance around. i want to wear cute new clothes. i want to be tan. i want to feel good and healthy.

friday night

i just couldn't drag myself out of the house tonight. i think i would rather save my energy up for tomorrow night. i always feel like i want to be out on the town all weekend, but once i'm somewhere out and about, i usually just want to leave. i'm so glad my life isn't all bars and drinking and smoking now. it's so nice to wake up in the morning and actually feel really good.
i was trying to look up some family history tonight. i googled harriet bartley and elkhorn city and was led to a website with lots of pics of elkhorn city and this overwhelming feeling of sadness and missing my mamaw came over me. also an overwhelming urge to drive to elkhorn city and walk around where she used to live. i have such vague memories of visiting grandma bartley with mamaw and papaw when i was little. i remember the tiny bedroom and playing with a little neighbor girl in the trailer park who didn't have a bed.
i think my mom has given up on god. katie was telling her that she was praying the other night for help with her addiction. she then had some horrible dreams about finding herself dead with aaron and then mom and dad abandoning her. i guess she was suggesting that god put those dreams in her head to teach her that she was going to lose everything if she kept things up. so i expected mom to be all over this. but instead she just said i'm sure she just dreamed that because that was what was on her mind. which i believe. but i feel a little sad that mom came up with that on her own. i fully expect katie to become some kind of nutty born again sometime very soon. i think that would be just the place for her. and though i don't look forward to listening to the rhetoric that comes with the born agains, it is much better than her being a big junkie.
i was telling mom that katie ought to try going to church to meet people. i'm sure there are people there who would just love to befriend someone with katie's story and past. she'd probably be a big hit at the mid 20s bible study group.
i'm going to clean the house and make some key lime syrup for key lime gimlets to have when andrew gets home.
to sum the week up:
i love my new bedding
i miss my mamaw
i worry about katie too much
i have new running shoes that need to be put to work tomorrow - no excuses
i am lame on friday nights (but i secretly love making a grilled cheese sandwich and watching dateline and history's mysteries and lounging about in pajamas)
key lime gimlets might be the best idea i've ever had
i can't wait to spend the day with andrew tomorrow

missed yesterday

so i'm starting again today. they have diagnosed katie with borderline personality disorder. i wonder if i just barely missed that diagnosis myself. i feel like the time from around high school until maybe just a couple of years ago i was desperately unhappy and went to extreme measures to keep destructive relationships in my life. and i don't know why. or what i was afraid of. i did have some serious fears of being alone. real physical fears that resulted in minor panic attacks, but those have really subsided. i still have trouble sleeping in a house by myself, but the overwhelming breath sucking fear has left. i don't know what happened to us to make us both so miserably unhappy from adolescence on. and so fearful. i read the list of symptoms of borderline personality disorder and they are just a little too close for comfort. i wonder how i would be now had i not found a. i like to think that this is a phase i outgrew, but i do have my fears that things are just good right now and those same feelings could come inching back in should things begin to change.
this entry sort of sounds like i want to have some kind of problem. like i can't just let katie have problems, but i don't. really. and i don't think my situation is anywhere close to hers. i feel like she was swallowed whole and i was just flailing about a bit over my head for a period of time. i do wonder if she watched my reactions to life and they justified her own reactions.
so focus on the good that is now. new clean sheets. new pillows. new running shoes. lunch with chris. saturday almost here.

man on wire

is a good film. it's just so odd to me how people develop these projects in their lives that become so all consuming and so important. but they are so odd. also, it made me kind of sick to see shots from that high up.

normal baby

the results from katie's tests were normal. they said the baby was structurally fine. which seemed sort of an odd way to put it, but better than the alternative. so now i need to work on being excited about being an aunt. it just seems sort of unreal. i feel very sorry for my parents.
i wish this could be normal for everyone. katie not alone. katie with normal friends throwing her showers with little sandwiches and a diaper cake.

so back to the change of plans - i don't know that i ever had any REAL plans. they've always been sort of situational. i remember thinking when i was in high school that i wanted to be a teacher. that i wanted to get married young and have 4 kids. then as i watched my friends off in interesting cities making interesting friends and doing creative things, that dream seemed so silly and juvenile. also, something about having an abortion made me terrified of/hateful towards children. so then i was in knoxville and i at the same time wanted to be having big fun party time, but not alone. and i went back and forth through unhealthy relationships pretty much throughout my twenties. until now. and now i feel really happy. i don't have this feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. there is perfect comfortable permenancy. but not in a sad settling sort of way. in an optimistic fulfilling sort of way. the only thing i feel like i'm losing is time. i feel like time is moving so fast and before i know it, i'm going to be 40 and hopefully still happy, but also hopefully in a better place. i feel on the verge of that place. like i've found the door, but am fumbling around for the key.

today was a good day. work seemed productive and minimally stressful. i didn't make terrible food choices. i went out for a nice dinner with liz and then to the appalachian film night. i know more about melungeons than ever before. i really liked the melungeon movie. one of the main characters (though not really a character as this was a doc and he was just sort of an expert and also a melungeon himself) was really great. he talked about going to see lawrence of arabia and knowing that he should feel most tied to the english, but remembered seeing the arab people dashing by on the screen and thinking that looks like the kennedys and the hawkins and the billings (not sure about all those surnames, but i think i'm correct). a good day and a good night.

plan A

two things influencing writing today...
1. listening to this american life from 2/23 about abandoning plan A. i feel like i've been doing lots of what might have been (had i done better in school, had i not felt the need to drink my face off every night for year after year, had i been the kind of person who felt the need to exercise every day instead of the need to eat fast food every single day). i don't know if dealing with all of katie's mess has made me think about this more. probably - i hate going through all the trash of her life, but there is something cathartic about taking all of these items that surrounded her horrible life and throw them in the trash.

2.received an e-mail about nablopomo. i want to do it. 31 days. i feel like i never finish anything and i don't want to be that person anymore. the theme given for the month of march is giving (up). i think this kind of ties into #1. interesting to think about what i have given up, but really how much happier i am now than i ever have been in my entire adult life. so despite being disappointed in myself on so many levels, i feel very optimistic.

piddling diary moment: really good weekend - friday night b-day celebration for chris. enjoyed the band at the pilot light much more than i thought i would. managed to not spend tons of money, smoke tons of cigarettes or feel horrible. saturday a & i met liz and some others at hong kong palace and had wonderful lunch and then shopped around a bit. ordered some new glasses and bought some $9 boots. went home and took a long nap. made hamburgers with a & watched w. today, went to see slumdog millionaire. started the cleaning on katie's house. picked up some dinner from falafel hut and was semi-productive cleaning the house tonight. am going to be in bed by 12:30.

karl pilkington & giving birth

i'm glad people with brains like this guy exist. i really hope he's real and this is not scripted.

so i discussed this twice today. and a didn't seem to understand, but the idea of a ceserean seems so much more civilized than all the grunting and pushing and sweating and an entire human shooting out of your hooha. i can not imagine why a better method hasn't been invented for the removal of new humans from the body.

some recipes

bang bang shrimp
large peeled and deveined shrimp
cornstarch
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 c mayo
1/8 c sweet thai chili sauce
1/8 c sriracha

dry shrimp well and toss in bowl with cornstarch
deep fry until just done
drain on paper towels
salt and pepper to taste

mix mayo and chili sauces together

toss shrimp with mayo mix


savory butternut squash pie
1 pie crust (deep dish and parbaked)
1 lb or less butternut squash (can roast own, but i used one package frozen)
1/2 - 1 whole onion, diced
1/4 t sage
1/8 t nutmeg
1/4 c heavy cream
1 egg
1 egg yolk
2 oz goat cheese
about 1 c other cheeses (used mix of sharp white cheddar, parmesan and swiss)

sautee onion in olive oil until translucent. add squash and continue sauteeing. season with sage & nutmeg. remove from heat and place in food processor with egg, yolk, cream and cheeses. process until smooth. pour into pie shell and bake on 400 for about 20-30 min. until custard is firm and knife inserted comes out clean.
let cool. serve warm or room temp.

pray for me

facebook, you sure have made me ponder religion a lot these days. i travel in a pretty jesus free crowd. i didn't really grow up going to church. none of my good friends were big church goers. my mom says wacky things about angels following us around and likes to send out e-mails with cute pictures and inspirational phrases, but other than that, nothing very spiritual comes out of the mouths of the S family. so, it's kind of weird for me to imagine people my age getting up on sunday and going to church. and believing what is being said. and responding to the crises of others with "i'll pray for you." and i'm happy about this. but sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to be one of those that just believes. obviously this won't happen for me. you can't just make yourself believe in something. and i don't want it to, but sometimes i like to what if. what if i had preferred going to church with mimmie and papaw instead of sleeping in at mamaw's. what if i'd gone to young life in high school instead of thinking it was weird and cultlike. what if i'd met and fallen in love with some good ol' tennessee mountain boy and just fallen into a life of wwjd. it seems like it's so easy to just be able to respond to your friends and neighbors problems with an i'm praying for you or an i've added you to the prayer list. it also seems easy to just believe god's timing is best and god knows best. surprisingly, as much as i like easy, i don't think this could ever work for me. i feel like there's all these people out there whose mom's have cancer, who are infertile, who have children with serious problems, who are lonely. and they are all smothering their insecurities and unhappiness with this very vague and abstract sort of answer. when you know they have to have these niggling little doubts that come creeping in at just the worst of times. i'm afraid one day they are all just going to explode.

reading: a collection of new yorker stories that feature the city of new york
cooking: lentil soup, artichoke spread for last night's dinner and miso soup for tonight's. all recipes from 101 cookbooks.

lucky day

today was my lucky day because i went to chick-fil-a for some "healthy" fast food and i was the 100th customer of the day, so my food was free. scary - things can only go down from here.

i desperately want to be in st. lucia right now at the ladera resort. please someone give me 10,000 dollars so it can be all inclusive and a luxury suite.

one down

i made the granola. that's about all i accomplished on my week of todo yesterday, but it is delicious. i'm probably never buying cereal again.

5 c rolled oats
3 c nuts (almonds)
2 c shredded coconut
1 c dried fruit
1/2 c powdered milk
1/4-1/2 t ginger
1/2 t cinnmon
pinch of salt
1/2 c honey
1/2 c vegetable oil
3 t vanilla

stir together all dry ingredients except for the dried fruit. add in oil, honey & vanilla (measure out oil first and then use same cup for honey and the honey just pours out). combine thoroughly
cook on 300 for 30 minutes, stirring every 10.
let cool and stir in dried fruit

i used almonds & dried apricots. i added 1 t almond extract and left out 1 t vanilla. i also chopped a dark chocolate candy bar up and stirred it in. 1 t pumpkin pie spice and 1/4 t ginger.
thinking more almond and less vanilla next time with dried sour cherries and chocolate.
also going to add in some flax.

this week...

i want to:
1. make big batch of granola
2. sign a up with the y and start going
3. NO GROSS FAST FOOD ALL WEEK
4. put up all the clothes in the floor in the back room
5. get rid of broken down dresser holding towels. organize towels and sheets in some other non-broken, non-smelly holder
6. get completely caught up at work. no junky desk no crap shoved in drawers.
7. get organized for school.
8. really make progress on the wallpaper peeling and back room reorganizing.
9. learn the new songs i printed out for piano yesterday.
10. do a little sewing with liz and lindsey.

i just finished the last of the enormous amount of tomato soup i made last week. i think it's one of the few things a & i have actually eaten every bite of. we tend to do the leftovers once or twice, but there's always a serving or two left. i thought i should record the recipe in case i want to make it again soon.

creamy tomato soup

1 large can of tomatoes (whole)
1 small can of tomatoes (whole or diced)
2 boxes of chicken broth
2-3 carrots, peeled and chopped
2-3 stalks of celery, chopped
1 onion, diced
3-4 cloves of garlic, diced
fresh herbs (thyme, marjoram, sage)
1/2 t allspice (or chopped fresh dill or basil if making in summer)
1 c or more of milk, half and half, or heavy cream

heat 1 T butter and 1 T oil in large dutch oven
throw in fresh herbs, if using, and sautee for a minute or two to infuse the oil
add the carrots, onion, garlic and celery
cook until onions are transparent and veggies are softening
add the tomatoes and their juice and one box of the broth
bring to a boil, boil for a few minutes, reduce heat and let simmer
simmer for at least 1 hour stirring periodically and adding extra broth from the other box as needed
now you can either put all this in the fridge and puree when ready to eat, or begin pureeing it in small batches in a blender
return pureed soup to pot and return to heat. keep heat on low and add in allspice and milk. do not let boil.
serve.
if making in summer, omit or reduce the amount of herbs used in the first step. after adding in the milk garnish with fresh dill &/or basil.
nice with a swirl of sour cream or creme fraiche.

weekend movies: burn after reading & alfie
reading: finished pope brock book. now starting on complete shirley jackson collection.

too old for champagne

the highlight of friday night was discovering the fun new cigar bar downtown and sharing prosecco with chris and a. it seemed important that we drink champagne and celebrate because i was sick on real new year's and didn't get to have any champagne. also we ate some oysters and some lovely charred peel and eat shrimp. perfect.

the highlight of today has been the 20 minute super hot shower i took only a little while ago (it is now 11:30 pm), the umpteen glasses of cold water i have been chugging down and the 48 hours mystery marathon that i planted my hungover butt in front of all day. ugh.

my dad is like a library (and other thoughts)

there were two quotes i really liked today. one of them was a daughter reflecting on her father's death; she said "when my father died, it was like a whole library had burned down." i like that (not the dead dad part, but the sentiment). i remember driving with sarah. i think we were coming back from visiting josh in greenville and we were lost in asheville or maybe we were in terrible traffic and looking for an alternate route. we talked to my dad and he got us home and out of the mess. this was before mapquest and gps systems. he always knows the backroads. i know if i called him from most anywhere in the southeast, my dad could get me home. the author's father died when she was 21, so she felt she never really knew her dad as an adult. i feel like i only know my dad as an adult. and not because of divorce or an actual physical separation. we were just never close when i was young. i don't think he really liked girls between the ages of 9-18. i really don't blame him. i don't think i like them much either.

the other quote was someone speaking of an incident in a grocery store. the author and another shopper were chatting in the tea aisle and he asked her if she knew what bergamot oil was (weirdly i know this because i looked it up myself not too long ago, also because i was looking at a package of tea and wasn't sure what it was that i was drinking. it's one of the most wonderful smells in the world. i wish my whole house smelled like oil of bergamot). when she confessed she did not, had at one time meant to look it up, but hadn't, the gentleman said"it's funny...the things we're content not knowing." and it is. this makes me want to pick up the dictionary more often. and it sort of ties into the not really knowing the people in your family. i feel like we are so full of secrets. a little more open now, but we can't ever really be close because we're always hiding things from one another.

at least this has taught me about the kind of family i want to make with a. i want to be close and kind and helpful. i want to be open and affectionate and aware. i hope if we have children one day he or she will think their father is also like a library. and i hope this means to them somewhere full of fun and stories and history and music. a favorite place. i think a would like being compared to a library. i could really carry on with the library metaphor for a, but that could be a little obnoxious (and something i would laugh at if i were reading it written by someone else). i really have no doubts about having a family with a. i don't know anyone more kind and patient and thoughtful. yesterday was our 2 1/2 year anniversary and he made me a card and organized our books into the fireplace like i had wanted to do. we're sort of rethinking the moving to florida thing and i'm not so sad or disappointed. it's kind of nice to think about really fixing this house up and enjoying it for another year. as i was driving up to our house today after work, i realized how much i would miss our little place when we have to move. it's cozy and it's us. especially now that a has taken to keeping the place nice and neat. i'm excited about our future.

listmania

i was trying to think of all the things i want to accomplish in the new year. i hate the resolution making, but i do like making lists. resolutions sound so strict. it's like saying you're going on a diet, saying you resolve to do something.

1. learn to play the wonderful piano a bought for me for xmas
2. learn to knit
3. learn to sew
4. get the house really clean. go room by room and throw away, give away, organize every corner. otherwise moving in july is going to be horrible.
5. take the vitamins every day
6. become really close with the gym. become a regular there instead of mcdonald's or the bar
7. try to become crafty enough to have a mostly homemade christmas next year
8. take a little more time with the personal appearance. maybe apply some rouge or gloss. or at least take a shower in the morning and not have crazy hair.
9. get on a better sleep schedule
10. take better care of my skin. i did buy some old lady face cream today. and some serum which sounds like it should do serious work.

lizzie sent us a thank you card today with a couple of pictures from christmas. there's one where i'm sitting at the table and look so enormous. i look like i ate everyone else's xmas dinner and might be thinking about eating the other guests. gross. it makes me angry with people who take my picture and even angrier when they show them to me. i have to get better about this. it's become ridiculous. start the food diary tomorrow and no lying.

first!

now the problem is what to write about on this blog. i like the food blogs and i like reading about recipes, but i don't think i want to spend every day blogging about recipes. sometimes i'm lazy and want to have taco night and then what do you write about?
i am starting a diet (we're calling it a healthy life change) but what could be more boring than reading about someone's highs and lows on their new diet plan?
same with the exercise program.
i don't have cute kids to write about, but i do have a very funny boyfriend and a quirky little cat.
also, i am exactly 4 months from turning 30. 120 more days of being in my twenties...
one month after the big b-day, a & i are moving to jax, so that'll be something to write about.
i guess, seeing as this is my narcissistic creation, it doesn't matter what i write. i can just yammer on about whatever i want, so here goes...

i will start with a recipe. i made this last night with all the eggs in the house. i had previously told a that i would make popovers to go with the beef stew i made. i also told him i would make mashed potatoes. instead i made this spinach-egg creation (neither of which he likes) and made nothing to go with the beef stew. which wasn't really a proper stew seeing that it was mostly just beef in some broth. i didn't have any carrots and didn't include the potatoes because i was planning on mashing them. but i really liked this spinach creation. i just ate a giant portion of it.

6 eggs
about 1 package of deli ham, julienned
1 carton (equivalent of 8 eggs) egg substitute
3 green onions
1/2 a bag or more of spinach (i shredded it in the food processor)
1/2 carton of cottage chesse (rinsed and added only the curds)
1/2 block of feta cheese
2 or 3 shallots
fresh dill
1-2 T milk, half and half or cream
3/4 t salt
grate in a little nutmeg
a few shakes of cayenne

preheat oven to 375
thoroughly spray a 9x13 pan
add ham to bottom
in large bowl whisk eggs with milk and cottage cheese curds
add remaining ingredients
pour over ham and bake about 35 min. until casserole is set and browning on top.

currently reading: Charlatan by Pope Brock
movies: Susan Slade, The Children's Hour