big pot of soup

i made a huge pot of what seems to be a cross between chicken tortilla soup and gumbo tonight. i need a good name for it. i guess i'll write the recipe down, though there wasn't really one.

1 lb. chicken
3 links of mexican chorizo
1 small onion
2 carrots
1 large stalk of celery
2 cloves minced garlic
1 jalapeno (ribs and seeds removed - optional)
1-2 chilis in adobo
1 can of diced tomatoes (i used fire roasted)
2 cans of navy beans (or any other white bean)
2 cans of black beans (i used some i made a while back, but probably about 2 cans worth)
3-6 cups of chicken broth (depending how stew like vs. how soup like you want the finished
product)
1 t dried oregano
1 T mexican chili powder
1/2 T sweet smoked paprika
1 t cumin
1 t coriander
a few dashes of hot sauce

cook off the chicken and the chorizo. to make this a one pot meal, i boiled the chicken in the dutch oven. removed it and wiped it out. added the sausages with about 1/2 c of water, covered them and let them cook for about 10 min. uncovered and let the water cook off and the sausages brown (about another 5 minutes or so). meanwhile dice onion, carrots, celery and jalapeno fairly small and uniform. dice chili in adobo. drain tomatoes. drain beans and rinse well. remove sausages. drain most all fat out of pot. add 1/2 T olive oil & 1 T vegetable oil to pot and return to heat. throw in carrots, celery, onion and jalapeno. salt well. cook until starting to soften and onion translucent. add in tomatoes and cook about 5 minutes longer. add beans and broth. stir in meats. add in all seasonings. set on medium low and let simmer for 30 min. or so to blend flavors. serve either with crunched up tortilla chips or homemade tortilla strips.

tortilla strips
4-5 corn tortillas
cut into thin strips
fry in 2-3 inches of oil or a deep fryer for 2-3 minutes
drain and salt

cinnamon toast

is the perfect snack/dinner. i hadn't made it in years and i don't know why i don't make it every night. it reminds me of being little and happy. except for the one time i tried to make it for my dad and went through about 8 slices of bread before finally not burning it.

i keep sitting at the computer but not writing. i'm so envious of those who have started blogs and somehow managed to make some sort of livelihood out of their ramblings. could there be a more perfect job?

i want a perfect job.

grilling

i don't know why we can't seem to get the stupid grill to work, but it failed us again and i am ready to chuck it off of the deck. despite that, we had a really good weekend. friday night andrew and i sat up talking and having drinks really late. we managed to get up and out of the house by 2 the saturday. soccer taco then liz and i went to the grocery then steaks and drinks on the deck which andrew got so nice and clean in a very short amount of time. today has been a total waste, but sometimes i really love days of absolutely nothing. i do have a little over one month before heading to jax, so i would like to get on a good health kick and surprise mom and dad with some weight loss and extra energy. i think we can do it. i just really need to plan out some different goals to incorporate into my days each week. so here goes to begin tomorrow...

1. stop drinking cokes. just stop. none. make some iced tea. make some sugar free kool-aid. it doesn't matter how bad i want one - DO NOT DRINK. it's not as though they are going to stop making them while i'm taking a break. just drink something else.
2. get my butt to the gym AT LEAST 4 days this week. preferably 6, but i'll be happy with 4. and really good gym workout. not just barely going on the elliptical. mix it up and add in some weights.
3. do a free weight routine here. 2 sets of 12 exercises for arms and back. some squats and some ab work. do this at least three days. do on tues, thurs and sun. in addition to weight lifting at the gym.
4. do the yoga and pilates tapes. alternate through the week beginning on tuesday. who cares if andrew sees me doing them. just do them. i'm so unflexible i can barely paint my toenails. gross.
5. vitamins every single day. all the supplements. take at the right times with a big glass of water.
6. good long shower every night. exfoliate. skincare and teeth. feet and nails. flossing and whitening strips.
7. really healthy foods this week. super healthy. no french fries. no sub sandwiches. no crap. oatmeal for breakfast. fruits and veggies. lean cuisine for lunch. lots of water all day.
8. walk around the track at work one time on my lunch break. or on a 15 minute break. but do it at least once a day. it doesn't have to be fast, but i have to make one complete circle.
9. sleep. hopefully the working out will make me sleepy. start weaning off the nyquil. take the natural sleep aid as needed. get in bed by 11. read or daily show, but be in bed and ready to relax.
10. get up with enough time to make it to work on time. should be no problem since the showering is supposed to be going on at night and i'm going to bed earlier and weaning off the nyquil. just be up by 7:30.

that's good for this week. i need to picture myself in a cute dress on my birthday. if i can do these things from now until my birthday, i think i can reward myself with a few cute dresses. i just can't imagine how good it will feel to lose some of this weight and get in better shape. i have to keep envisioning the cute green dress. shopping in the regular sizes. being able to wear tank tops in the summer. not feeling like i have to wear a cardigan over everything (like that hides anything at all anyway).
starting 10 march 2009. 38 days until florida. 56 days until 30. i so want to be happy on my 30th birthday. i want pictures with people. i want to dance around. i want to wear cute new clothes. i want to be tan. i want to feel good and healthy.

friday night

i just couldn't drag myself out of the house tonight. i think i would rather save my energy up for tomorrow night. i always feel like i want to be out on the town all weekend, but once i'm somewhere out and about, i usually just want to leave. i'm so glad my life isn't all bars and drinking and smoking now. it's so nice to wake up in the morning and actually feel really good.
i was trying to look up some family history tonight. i googled harriet bartley and elkhorn city and was led to a website with lots of pics of elkhorn city and this overwhelming feeling of sadness and missing my mamaw came over me. also an overwhelming urge to drive to elkhorn city and walk around where she used to live. i have such vague memories of visiting grandma bartley with mamaw and papaw when i was little. i remember the tiny bedroom and playing with a little neighbor girl in the trailer park who didn't have a bed.
i think my mom has given up on god. katie was telling her that she was praying the other night for help with her addiction. she then had some horrible dreams about finding herself dead with aaron and then mom and dad abandoning her. i guess she was suggesting that god put those dreams in her head to teach her that she was going to lose everything if she kept things up. so i expected mom to be all over this. but instead she just said i'm sure she just dreamed that because that was what was on her mind. which i believe. but i feel a little sad that mom came up with that on her own. i fully expect katie to become some kind of nutty born again sometime very soon. i think that would be just the place for her. and though i don't look forward to listening to the rhetoric that comes with the born agains, it is much better than her being a big junkie.
i was telling mom that katie ought to try going to church to meet people. i'm sure there are people there who would just love to befriend someone with katie's story and past. she'd probably be a big hit at the mid 20s bible study group.
i'm going to clean the house and make some key lime syrup for key lime gimlets to have when andrew gets home.
to sum the week up:
i love my new bedding
i miss my mamaw
i worry about katie too much
i have new running shoes that need to be put to work tomorrow - no excuses
i am lame on friday nights (but i secretly love making a grilled cheese sandwich and watching dateline and history's mysteries and lounging about in pajamas)
key lime gimlets might be the best idea i've ever had
i can't wait to spend the day with andrew tomorrow

missed yesterday

so i'm starting again today. they have diagnosed katie with borderline personality disorder. i wonder if i just barely missed that diagnosis myself. i feel like the time from around high school until maybe just a couple of years ago i was desperately unhappy and went to extreme measures to keep destructive relationships in my life. and i don't know why. or what i was afraid of. i did have some serious fears of being alone. real physical fears that resulted in minor panic attacks, but those have really subsided. i still have trouble sleeping in a house by myself, but the overwhelming breath sucking fear has left. i don't know what happened to us to make us both so miserably unhappy from adolescence on. and so fearful. i read the list of symptoms of borderline personality disorder and they are just a little too close for comfort. i wonder how i would be now had i not found a. i like to think that this is a phase i outgrew, but i do have my fears that things are just good right now and those same feelings could come inching back in should things begin to change.
this entry sort of sounds like i want to have some kind of problem. like i can't just let katie have problems, but i don't. really. and i don't think my situation is anywhere close to hers. i feel like she was swallowed whole and i was just flailing about a bit over my head for a period of time. i do wonder if she watched my reactions to life and they justified her own reactions.
so focus on the good that is now. new clean sheets. new pillows. new running shoes. lunch with chris. saturday almost here.

man on wire

is a good film. it's just so odd to me how people develop these projects in their lives that become so all consuming and so important. but they are so odd. also, it made me kind of sick to see shots from that high up.

normal baby

the results from katie's tests were normal. they said the baby was structurally fine. which seemed sort of an odd way to put it, but better than the alternative. so now i need to work on being excited about being an aunt. it just seems sort of unreal. i feel very sorry for my parents.
i wish this could be normal for everyone. katie not alone. katie with normal friends throwing her showers with little sandwiches and a diaper cake.

so back to the change of plans - i don't know that i ever had any REAL plans. they've always been sort of situational. i remember thinking when i was in high school that i wanted to be a teacher. that i wanted to get married young and have 4 kids. then as i watched my friends off in interesting cities making interesting friends and doing creative things, that dream seemed so silly and juvenile. also, something about having an abortion made me terrified of/hateful towards children. so then i was in knoxville and i at the same time wanted to be having big fun party time, but not alone. and i went back and forth through unhealthy relationships pretty much throughout my twenties. until now. and now i feel really happy. i don't have this feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. there is perfect comfortable permenancy. but not in a sad settling sort of way. in an optimistic fulfilling sort of way. the only thing i feel like i'm losing is time. i feel like time is moving so fast and before i know it, i'm going to be 40 and hopefully still happy, but also hopefully in a better place. i feel on the verge of that place. like i've found the door, but am fumbling around for the key.

today was a good day. work seemed productive and minimally stressful. i didn't make terrible food choices. i went out for a nice dinner with liz and then to the appalachian film night. i know more about melungeons than ever before. i really liked the melungeon movie. one of the main characters (though not really a character as this was a doc and he was just sort of an expert and also a melungeon himself) was really great. he talked about going to see lawrence of arabia and knowing that he should feel most tied to the english, but remembered seeing the arab people dashing by on the screen and thinking that looks like the kennedys and the hawkins and the billings (not sure about all those surnames, but i think i'm correct). a good day and a good night.

plan A

two things influencing writing today...
1. listening to this american life from 2/23 about abandoning plan A. i feel like i've been doing lots of what might have been (had i done better in school, had i not felt the need to drink my face off every night for year after year, had i been the kind of person who felt the need to exercise every day instead of the need to eat fast food every single day). i don't know if dealing with all of katie's mess has made me think about this more. probably - i hate going through all the trash of her life, but there is something cathartic about taking all of these items that surrounded her horrible life and throw them in the trash.

2.received an e-mail about nablopomo. i want to do it. 31 days. i feel like i never finish anything and i don't want to be that person anymore. the theme given for the month of march is giving (up). i think this kind of ties into #1. interesting to think about what i have given up, but really how much happier i am now than i ever have been in my entire adult life. so despite being disappointed in myself on so many levels, i feel very optimistic.

piddling diary moment: really good weekend - friday night b-day celebration for chris. enjoyed the band at the pilot light much more than i thought i would. managed to not spend tons of money, smoke tons of cigarettes or feel horrible. saturday a & i met liz and some others at hong kong palace and had wonderful lunch and then shopped around a bit. ordered some new glasses and bought some $9 boots. went home and took a long nap. made hamburgers with a & watched w. today, went to see slumdog millionaire. started the cleaning on katie's house. picked up some dinner from falafel hut and was semi-productive cleaning the house tonight. am going to be in bed by 12:30.