missed yesterday

so i'm starting again today. they have diagnosed katie with borderline personality disorder. i wonder if i just barely missed that diagnosis myself. i feel like the time from around high school until maybe just a couple of years ago i was desperately unhappy and went to extreme measures to keep destructive relationships in my life. and i don't know why. or what i was afraid of. i did have some serious fears of being alone. real physical fears that resulted in minor panic attacks, but those have really subsided. i still have trouble sleeping in a house by myself, but the overwhelming breath sucking fear has left. i don't know what happened to us to make us both so miserably unhappy from adolescence on. and so fearful. i read the list of symptoms of borderline personality disorder and they are just a little too close for comfort. i wonder how i would be now had i not found a. i like to think that this is a phase i outgrew, but i do have my fears that things are just good right now and those same feelings could come inching back in should things begin to change.
this entry sort of sounds like i want to have some kind of problem. like i can't just let katie have problems, but i don't. really. and i don't think my situation is anywhere close to hers. i feel like she was swallowed whole and i was just flailing about a bit over my head for a period of time. i do wonder if she watched my reactions to life and they justified her own reactions.
so focus on the good that is now. new clean sheets. new pillows. new running shoes. lunch with chris. saturday almost here.