normal baby

the results from katie's tests were normal. they said the baby was structurally fine. which seemed sort of an odd way to put it, but better than the alternative. so now i need to work on being excited about being an aunt. it just seems sort of unreal. i feel very sorry for my parents.
i wish this could be normal for everyone. katie not alone. katie with normal friends throwing her showers with little sandwiches and a diaper cake.

so back to the change of plans - i don't know that i ever had any REAL plans. they've always been sort of situational. i remember thinking when i was in high school that i wanted to be a teacher. that i wanted to get married young and have 4 kids. then as i watched my friends off in interesting cities making interesting friends and doing creative things, that dream seemed so silly and juvenile. also, something about having an abortion made me terrified of/hateful towards children. so then i was in knoxville and i at the same time wanted to be having big fun party time, but not alone. and i went back and forth through unhealthy relationships pretty much throughout my twenties. until now. and now i feel really happy. i don't have this feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. there is perfect comfortable permenancy. but not in a sad settling sort of way. in an optimistic fulfilling sort of way. the only thing i feel like i'm losing is time. i feel like time is moving so fast and before i know it, i'm going to be 40 and hopefully still happy, but also hopefully in a better place. i feel on the verge of that place. like i've found the door, but am fumbling around for the key.

today was a good day. work seemed productive and minimally stressful. i didn't make terrible food choices. i went out for a nice dinner with liz and then to the appalachian film night. i know more about melungeons than ever before. i really liked the melungeon movie. one of the main characters (though not really a character as this was a doc and he was just sort of an expert and also a melungeon himself) was really great. he talked about going to see lawrence of arabia and knowing that he should feel most tied to the english, but remembered seeing the arab people dashing by on the screen and thinking that looks like the kennedys and the hawkins and the billings (not sure about all those surnames, but i think i'm correct). a good day and a good night.